My terrible yearlong relationship and how I'm the biggest bitch ever...
I was only with this person because I wanted something to do with my time. They liked me and I’m shallow enough to say that’s what attracted me, who doesn’t like the feeling of being liked?
I never had any intentions of being in a serious relationship with this person….ever. Eventually of course I did love them, but I was never in love with them. I was in love with the idea of loving someone and someone loving me back. The idea of having a “boyfriend” and me being someone’s “girlfriend”. I played the role well, I never cheated and I was pretty devoted.
From the beginning I told this person, “I could never really love you” but they were so infatuated with me that they were committed to changing my mind and I gave them the impression that maybe my mind could be changed. I was showered with gifts and love, I’m not stupid enough not to realize this was a GREAT human being. They just weren’t for me and I knew that would never change, ever. This person was committed and always discussed our future and I would lie and say, “Yeah I think we can have a future” knowing secretly I would NEVER have a future with this person. That’s wrong, I know.
I did get attached, I was willing to change everything about myself because I knew what THEY wanted me to be, WHO they deserved for me to be and I gave it serious thought. Eventually though, I knew I could never really change and I was so far gone and so many feelings were already invested that I was totally screwed either way. I knew before we got any more deep I had to break it off, but by that time this person had already become so intertwined in my life that it was just…hard to end things. I tried a couple of times, but we always got back together because I felt bad and I didn’t want this person to hurt.
But eventually, a year later, I ended it. I had to. I had to be honest to this person and honest to myself. And this person was hurt tremendously and it was all my fault and there really was nothing I could do about it but a half-assed promise that, “I really wasn’t the person for them” and “Eventually they would find someone who would love and accept them unconditionally.” Because that person would never be me.
It’s fucked up. You should never lead someone on. I never knew it would go so far I was sure after a few weeks it would be over, not a year. I will never lead someone on again and I’ll never put myself in that kind of situation.
I never told this person I could never truly accept them either because I was/am a coward. I just gave them a half-truth.